Dangerous Dampness

The word dampness holds certain negative connotations, but when combined with the word dangerous, it takes on a far more sinister tone. Here is my top ten of dampnesses that are unpleasant, annoying and occasionally dangerous.

1. Wet Door Handles

When you reach for a door handle and find that it has unknown moisture attached to it, this is extremely distressing. This is often the case with bathroom doors and whilst you could return back into the bathroom to rewash your hands, you would then have to manipulate yourself back out without using the damp door handle to make this a worthwhile exercise.

2. Falling Asleep with a Guinea Pig on Your Lap

My guinea pig Brian is now dead, but he regularly used to join me to read a bit of Dickens while reclining on the sofa. Inevitably I would slip into slumber and Brian's warning squeals that a toilet break was needed would go unheard to my sleepy ears and a nasty yellow stain would result.

3. Gutter Puddles

It is one of life's great joys to drive fast through a puddle and soak a pedestrian, but if you are the pavement stroller, it is not such a joyous occasion.

4. Socks on Damp Grass

It is a gamble never worth taking to venture into the garden with just a pair of socks in the false hope that the grass will be dry. It never is.

5. Spilt and Invisible Water on the Floor

My stride around the school corridors in term-time is often a quick one, but on a couple of occasions I have slid one-footed inelegantly across the floor to chuckles of glee from watching teenagers. I have, so far, always stayed on my feet unlike some of my colleagues, but my day will come if I persist in speedy strolling.

6. Overfull Nappies

A story being read to one of my twins is a pleasant experience on the whole even if the literature leaves a little to be desired, but if I have been negligent in my nappy watchfulness, then the pressure of full nappy on knee can produce a slightly smelly damp circle.

7. Inaccuracy

I will not go into detail with this one, but a visit to the toilet, a momentarily lapse of attention, damp trousers - you get the idea.

8. Drink Spillage

I am a serial drink spiller and it always seems to be a full container across an inappropriate surface. Just this week I have spilled a glass of wine, poured just a minute before, all over the in-law's tablecloth. My worst spillage was a pint of Ribena over our new cream carpet which didn't make me particularly popular.

9. Over-eager Clothes Collection from the Washing Line Resulting in Damp Pockets

When you're desperate to wear a certain pair of trousers for a particular occasion, they always seem to demand a time-bending washing process before they are ready to adorn your legs. My impatience has often lead to the horrible feeling of damp undried pockets.

10. Damp Glasses

When you're young, you think nothing of getting wet. As an adult it seems a threat that prevents even leaving the house and perhaps my feelings have something to do with the blindness incurred by windscreen-wiperless glasses that I didn't have to wear as a child.