Donkeys

I like donkeys. They briefly sat proudly at the top of my favourite animal list, but their stay was short-lived and they have since slipped down into the category of animal I am quite fond of. They share that podium with the llama, the raccoon, the orangutan, the hedgehog and the dugong, but they fail to inspire enough awe to compete with the tiger or enough personality to compete with the current number one, the badger (the badger has sat proudly at the top of the rostrum for so long now, that my badger fondness, in some circles, precedes me).

People have many questions about donkeys that they sometimes feel a little nervous to ask, so I shall now attempt to answer the ten most commonly thought, but never uttered questions about the braying beast.

1. Do donkeys kill more people a year than planes?

One expert (expertise unknown) once said that he wouldn't be surprised if donkeys killed more people than planes, but there seem to be no statistics to back up his ponderous words. This claim was first put into print by the London Times in 1987 to help people to get over their fear of flying, but it wasn't intended to be taken literally and donkey-lovers have angrily refuted it ever since.

2. How do donkeys kill people? [This ignores the previous answer that suggests that perhaps they don't]

With no one claiming to be have been killed by a donkey, it is tricky to say. Rumours have it though that they get you in a headlock and suck your brain out of your ear.

3. What's the difference between a donkey and a mule?

They are spelt differently; donkeys have one extra chromosome; a donkey has a coarser tail; a mule can jump; a mule can bear a heavier load and donkeys can breed.

4. How and why did the 'Pin the tail on the donkey' game start?

It is an odd phenomenon amongst donkeys that they are occasionally born with no tail and this lack inspired the game. Some think that the pinning of the tail was also done as a symbol to ward off evil spirits for the coming year and that is why it became a birthday party game.

5. Who is better: Eeyore out of Winnie the Pooh or the Talking Donkey out of Shrek?

This is a tough one - both have severe social problems that would make them difficult to live with, but surely Eeyore - pre-Disneyfication - is the king of the Donks.

6. Why is a female donkey called a jenny?

They seem to have acquired this name in the 1640s, but quite why is an answer I do not have. I imagine that either a wonderful woman called Jenny who loved donkeys inspired the name or a big-eared woman with an odd laugh was nicknamed Jenny. We will never know.

7. Is the only difference between a donkey and a monkey the consonant that starts their name?

There are some other differences, but it is thought that the donkey's name was in fact influenced by the monkey. The 'don' syllable was from the archaic 'dun' which means dull greyish-brown and the final syllable was added to make it sound like monkey as some sort of insult to the wannabe horse. Donkey was originally slang with ass the official term. The first written use of the term donkey wasn't until 1785, long after the term jenny.

8. Because the sound a donkey makes it spelt onomatopoeically in English (as most animal sounds are), does that mean it is spelt the same in other languages?

No. There are actually two variants in English: hee-haw and eeyore. Other language spellings include i-a i-a in Albanina, chuuchuu in Bengali, hihan in French, eselet skryter in Norweigan and asnan skriar in Swedish.

9. If you call someone a donkey, what are you suggesting about them?

My experience of the donkey insult has either been football-related in that the donkeyish football player boots the ball thoughtlessly and has no finesse about their play or is to do with the size of the male genitalia. Urban Dictionary offers a few other alternatives on top of these: donkey could mean a girl with a large rear; a bad poker player who thinks they are good; a stupid person; someone who will carry stuff around for you; a person who takes pictures of themself in the mirror; a groovy rocking amazing person; a short man who wears all black, likes Slipknot and drives a truck or someone who carries a lot of drugs around. I think I shall avoid the term to avoid confusion.

10. What alliterative name could I give my donkey?

Donkeys 'R' Us website gives a whole host of options. My top five are Dreamweaver, Dudette, Dogzilla, Detonator and Darth Vadar.